THE STORM BEFORE THE RAINBOW — Inspiring And Empowering Ladies

Photo Credit: **Ihor Lypnytskyi** from **Pexels**

I remember it like it was yesterday. I wasn’t feeling myself. I had graduated from nursing school and passed my boards so I was officially a Registered Nurse. I had just moved back to Atlanta. I was looking for a job, which seemed impossible because I didn’t have 1 year of nursing experience. I went out with my homegirl and some of her friends. It was my 1st time at Wet Willy’s and all I could do was lay down on the table.

I bought a pregnancy test that I wasn’t supposed to take until the next morning but the anticipation was killing me. As I suspected the test was positive. I even had a silly dream that I was pregnant with a boy and I was upset that he didn’t have the latest sneakers when he was born. It was hilarious because I am not that extreme! Someone also informed me that whatever sex you dream of it will be the opposite.

Since I couldn’t find a job in Atlanta just yet. I was growing bored and anxious and decided to go visit my hometown just for familiarity. While in Ohio I had an appointment back in Atlanta to confirm pregnancy and get my first U/S, but I ended up scheduling one in Ohio so I could extend my trip. After all, I wasn’t in a rush to get back to Atlanta being that I didn’t have anything concrete to do.

I went and heard my baby's heartbeat in a mobile pregnancy clinic, which sounded like music to my ears. It was a nice and strong heartbeat. I was so elated because I was nervous I couldn’t conceive due to horror stories I read from people who were on the Depo Vera (birth control) injection. I also received my very first U/S pictures. I couldn’t believe that I would be someone’s mother. My EDD was 05/03/2013. And I discovered that one of my dear friends was expecting as well. While I had a long way to go, that didn’t change my outlook. I was happy and hopeful for the future.

My official doctor's appointment with my OBGYN was a couple of weeks later. I went to my appointment on Friday, October 5, 2012 for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, the ultrasound technician was silent. I mean, you could actually hear crickets. In my mind I knew something was wrong especially since I had just heard my baby’s heartbeat 2 weeks prior. I began asking the ultrasound tech what was going on. Due to my medical background, I knew she couldn’t tell me, but that didn’t stop me from asking. She replied for me to get dressed and that the doctor would be in to speak to me.

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I cried. I was angry. I was heartbroken. The pain was immense. I was shocked. I was in denial. The doctor explained that the baby didn’t have a fetal heartbeat and that I would have to have a dilation and curettage done to remove my baby because my body hadn’t recognized that the baby had died to natural miscarriage. I speculated that the cause was some trauma that shook me to my core shortly after I heard my baby’s heartbeat, but only God knows. I wanted to put it off for forever, but my doctor and boyfriend convinced me that I needed to have it done ASAP so that I could begin healing. Reluctantly I scheduled the D&C for that Monday. Prior to the D & C I called and spoke with the mobile pregnancy clinic and I even made them do a repeat U/S right before the procedure.

What else was there for me to do but grieve? I tried to move forward but my wounds were fresh and the scab was being ripped off when people made comments like: “Do you want any kids?” “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” “You can have one of my babies.” Comments that were insensitive and only made me cry on the inside. I was like an egg, hard on the outside, but soft on the inside. What else could I do but be strong and move forward? I spoke with my pastor who told me to write a letter to my baby which I found to be extremely therapeutic because of my love for writing. I also wrote a poem for my baby which can be found within my very first book of poems entitled The Life of A Woman: Authenticating Complexity. (For those of you who would like to read, I’ve included the poem at the very end of the blog).

We began trying to conceive again, I was desperate to get back what was stolen from me! I was jealous anytime I heard about anyone who was pregnant or had recently had a baby. I questioned God asking “Why Me?” After 5 months, I was pregnant again. In theory, 5 months isn’t that long, but it seemed like an eternity because I wanted it so badly. I was also a nervous wreck at every doctor’s appointment. I wanted everything to go well, and most importantly I desired to have a happy, healthy baby. On 11/13/2013, God smiled on me and I gave birth to my rainbow baby Kalisse. She was perfect in every way. She restored my hope and my faith.

Photo by **William Fortunato** from **Pexels**

As you all know, October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Month. When I lost my baby I had no idea that such a thing existed. And it probably wouldn’t have mattered in the least because I was mad at God and the world. For all of the mothers who have experienced a loss during pregnancy, or after, due to miscarriage, stillbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, ectopic pregnancy, termination for medical reasons and in the death of a newborn, my heart goes out to you because I am human and because I know how it feels to some extent. Everyone experiences loss and grief differently. Don’t allow anyone to tell you how or when to grieve. I would also encourage you to attend grief counseling. Having my daughter helped the loss not to sting as bad, but I’ll always remember my baby, and it will always hold a special place in my heart. After death, even with the pain in our hearts and souls, we have no choice but to keep on living and fighting through the difficulty.

I wrote this article in hopes that my transparency and vulnerability would give you hope. Rainbows always come after the storm. I don’t know exactly how your rainbow will show up, but I believe that it will. I believe in a sovereign and loving God, one who mourns when we mourn and rejoices when we rejoice. Don’t give up, don’t throw in the towel. Our timing is not his timing. He has never left nor forsaken us and he is not going to start now. Keep trusting and believing that better days are coming!