Fatherless on Father's Day

Fathers Day is fast approaching. While for some this may be a joyous time, for others it’s a painful reminder. Some girls may have their fathers wrapped around their finger. While others long for a father and/or father figure.

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance according to Kubler-Ross. Grief doesn’t occur in a specific sequence but it is based on the individual. Some people may not experience all of the grief stages, some people may only experience one or two, and some may experience none. These are the most common stages observed. This article is not meant to tell you how you must handle grief but it is merely offering you different coping strategies. In order to receive different results, you must do things differently than the way you did previously.

There are various reasons why one might not be looking forward to Father’s Day, whether it is death, divorce, separation, tumultuous relationship, and/or incarceration. I don’t want you to deny your feelings because in doing so you would be doing yourself a disservice. I understand that your feelings and experiences are very real. Please don’t become consumed with anger, as the anger poisons the vessel in which it resides. In having the why me attitude, or saying life is not fair you tend to play the blame game. In life certain events happen whether good or bad and over them we have no control. In bargaining you give yourself a false sense of hope because you want your life to return back to what it once was. If I know nothing else to be true I know that change is a constant in life. In embracing and accepting change we must remember that storms don’t last forever, the sun always shines again. In depression one feels as if they are alone. It is a moment of hopelessness, a moment of despair, where one has no drive or desire to do anything. It is common for people who are depressed to stop bathing, stop eating, and stop sleeping. I may be wrong but I don’t think you want to be known as the stinky, unhealthy girl with bags under her eyes. If you are not careful depression will kill you. You cannot learn or experience growth while depressed.

If I can tell you a little secret I am writing this article with you in mind. I am writing this article for the little girl inside of me. While growing up my father wasn’t in the home, due to divorce. My father didn’t reside in the same state as me because he was in the military. My father and I have a good relationship but as a little girl I longed to wake up and see his face, and for him to tuck me in at night. As a grown woman with a daughter of my own, I revert back to that little girl. I love to see him coming and hate to see him leave. I try to give myself a pep talk, and rehearse over and over in my head how I am not going to cry. But that never happens. I cry for a moment but then I force myself to pull it back together. I tell myself it’s not goodbye but that I’ll see you later.

Contrary to what you may think it is still possible for you to still have a good Father’s Day. It is my sincere belief that God didn’t place you on this earth to merely survive but to thrive! It is perfectly fine to feel sad or to cry but don’t allow grief to conquer you. You can overcome any obstacle thrown in your path and experience joy again.

When life hands us lemons we must make lemonade. If you were to taste a lemon, you would describe the taste as acidic, sour and bitter. When a lemon is accompanied with a sweetener and water (lemonade) you would describe it as a refreshing, sweet treat. I challenge you today to consider yourself a tall pitcher of lemonade, instead of being bitter and sour be sweet and refreshing.

Write a letter, poem, or a song about your father, or the father you wish you had. When you use your imagination there are no rules, you can color outside the lines. You are free to create whatever your heart desires. Go out and do something that you love to do. This will allow you to have some fun and it will keep your mind occupied. Do something that reminds you of your father, whether it is something you used to do together, or something you know he loved doing. Celebrate someone in your life who has been a father figure (uncle, grandfather, older brother/cousin, teacher, friend’s father). Take a moment to speak with God, your heavenly father. Ask him to lead and guide your footsteps. Ask him for the courage to press on even when you don’t want to. Ask him to help you put your positive pants on!

You father’s presence or lack thereof doesn’t define you. You are loved. You are a beautiful girl. Keep your head held high. Do not remove your crown. You have purpose. You are worthy. You are enough! Your life has significance. You can be happy, whole and healthy.

This article’s primary focus was acceptance. Through acceptance you are not dismissing your pain but you are exploring new coping strategies. You are not allowing the grief to cripple you, cause you to become stagnant! You are regaining your power, you are exerting control. You are no longer the victim but the victor. Through acceptance you can maintain a hopeful outlook. Instead of focusing on your problems or what you don’t have, take a moment to be grateful for the things you do have that you often take for granted. I hope you have an amazing Father’s Day!