DEAR DIARY SERIES: FROM THE OFFENDER'S PERSPECTIVE — Inspiring And Empowering Ladies

I hurt you because I am not able to receive love. My normal is toxicity and dysfunction. I cling to those who hate me because I have never experienced authentic love. I complain that I’m miserable and have to get away, yet I don’t know how to break the chains which are keeping me bound. I have a mindset of lack instead of abundance. I have the talent but I don’t believe in myself.

I allow people to use and abuse me because I am longing to be loved. I have never experienced true happiness and I don’t want it bad enough. I am not willing to be uncomfortable. All I know is to work hard and receive the bare minimum. I don’t know how to work smarter by operating in the innate gifts that God placed within me to overflow.

My thoughts and actions are irrational. I worry and overthink all the time because I believe the worse will always happen. I am not worthy of receiving God’s best. Greatness is an illusion. I cannot be who I am destined to be because I get too caught up in watching others walk in their calling. I have lost myself in others, which is why I don’t love me.

I don’t know how to be a good friend to anyone.

I am scared to jump. I have very little faith because those who have the same blood running through their veins tear me down with their words and actions, every chance they get. I say I am tired. I say I am done, but after a week or two, I go running back for more. I have become accustomed to mistreatment.

I beat myself up constantly because I am not worthy. I am not receptive to constructive criticism even when it is in my best interest. I am always being attacked so I’m always in defense mode. I don’t want to be held accountable. I don’t want to be pushed towards excellence. I do not believe that success is my birthright.

I say I know often when I really don’t have a clue. You guessed it right it’s another one of my defense mechanisms.

I live every day like it’s no tomorrow.

I’m weak.

I’m broken.

Healing is too difficult.

The price is too high.

I wouldn’t know what a good thing was even if it was staring deeply into my eyes.

I’m sorry it was never you it was me.

I avoid real conversations.

I am not willing to confront my own issues so I hide behind a plastered smile.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash — Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am easily offended. I’m easily discouraged.

I remain in toxic situations and never leave until the perpetrator decides they have had enough of me.

When my enemies push me away, I find myself begging for reasons to stay. I question what I did wrong, beg for their forgiveness, and wonder how I could fix this.

I know I am the problem but I could never admit that.

Enforcing boundaries may work for others but it has never worked for me.

I have a bad relationship with money, I know how to earn it but I spend it without giving it a second thought.

I love instant gratification.

Things won’t heal my gaping wounds, but at least I cover them up well.

I refuse to take my mask off. I don’t know how to be honest and open with others, when you ask me questions my response is what I think you want to hear. I don’t know how to play to the rhythm of my own drum.

I don’t know how to budget. I cannot imagine my life a year from now because I have not thought that far.

I don’t know how a successful woman thinks because I have always been labeled a failure.

I’m not sure what it will take for me to believe in myself.

I’m afraid to be vulnerable.

I run before I can start. I am always running in circles, going nowhere fast.

I continue being tested because I am not willing to learn.

I perceive the ones who love me as my enemy when in reality it is the exact opposite.

I don’t know how to counteract my negative thought patterns.

My entire family rejects me.

I am not willing to work on me for me.

I want to continue our friendship but I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to move forward which is why I’m always stuck.

I am not willing to stop making excuses.

I feel that the world owes me.

I have treated you like a human punching bag, spewing my disappointments and insecurities in your direction repeatedly without provocation.

I hope one day you can learn to forgive me.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash — Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

You provided me with normalcy.

You provided me with a sense of safety and security.

You provided me with reciprocity.

You provided me with a healthy relationship.

You provided me with freedom.

You believed in me when no one else would.

You encouraged me.

You loved me.

You inspired me.

You prayed for me.

I’m sorry I could not accept the friendship you longed to give to me.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t accept the wisdom you tried to share with me.

If I could go back and change the hands of time I would.

Yet life comes with no rewind.